After months of intense research, sleuthing and digging, we have managed to identify and track down the small child who seems to meander on to the pitch of every. single. game.
No matter if the game is being played in different parts of London, the country or the world, this person has the amazing ability to appear at each game even if only played minutes apart and saunter on to the pitch at opportune moments in each game.
Taking advantage of appalling stewarding and general security standards which, amazingly, have not been tightened in this era of heightened alert, they are able to casually enter the pitch, lounge in the penalty area and directly affect the course of the game at multiple points over the course of 90 minutes.
Following a speedy recovery from a rapidly increasing number of impacts, collisions and ricochets after each match, this young hero is a real survivor. Alzheimers and brain injury charities have expressed concern about the severe risk of concussion that must be facing from the slow build-up of all these traumas.
That they are in the crowd for each game is a dedication to their love of this game. That they get so disorientated they end up wandering on to the pitch at each game is something that does, however, need to be addressed.
Having spoken to their parents and agreeing an exclusive interview, I am delighted to reveal that the identity of the small person at the centre of so many controversial goalmouth incidents is