LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
The thing that barely went away! Yes, it’s back! All that time spent scheming, planning and plotting for Season Seven will now come to fruition as this Sunday see’s the first league game of the season.
I can’t say this enough: Over a billion pounds changed hands between managers in the close season, which when you put in context against the fact that the transfer record was £75m until mid-way through the season, is extremely impressive.
For a little bit of fun, let’s see how everyone things this season will go. Who will be the victors and who will be spoiled?
…But before you do, here’s a quick form guide:
|Archway Athletic||A fairly quiet pre-season for The Athletic. Apart from signing two youth players most of the transfers were players out the door: One to Farsley and six in the bin. The manager clearly backs his players to repeat their mid-season finish.|
|Clapped Out FC||The absolute loose cannon of the game. Impossible to call. Will we see goals? Almost certainly. Will we see more dodgy deals with Tulse Hill Superior? Let’s be honest: Also yes.|
|Clapton Crusaders||Dave has been quietly dominating the transfer market. Except for that time when he dropped £238m on Lionel Messi, which wasn’t quiet. Yet the Crusaders have assembled quite the team and will surely be expecting to avoid the drop.|
|CSKA Tulse Hill||Fucking shite.|
|Dulwich Isolation Crew||The perennial cup winners flirted with relegation last season. An aging squad normally means a good squad, but how long will the DIC manager leave it before he blinks and gets some youth in? Dulwich will be looking to rebound from last season and challenge again.|
|Floresta United Kickers||Last year’s champions. This year their new manager has insisted that will play attacking. For every game. Every single game. Heavy metal football. I would love to see this, although maybe some nuance will need to be added. In Luke Chapman they have one of the game’s best strikers. Will he get the golden boot?|
|Hackbridge Harriers||Hackbridge snuck in the last of the ‘Golden Generation’ youths before the end of last season and bolstered their squad with three solid players. This squad depth should serve them well and many will be looking at them to stay up.|
|Merstham Magic||Perhaps planning for the long term; Merstham promoted five youth prospects in the summer. This long sightedness is extremely admirable although represents a challenge for next season in the big time.|
|Opulent Knack||The big boys. The team that people fear to play. The Knack have won the title in Season Three and if they can clinch it again next season will match Yulong’s double haul. They sold A_Lalas in a spectacular deal to Tulse Hill Superior, how will this impact their chances?|
|Tulse Hill Superior||Will almost certainly come second.|
|Aguerissimo FC||One of the strongest teams in Division Two, unlucky to miss out on promotion last season but will certainly fancy their chances for one of the two automatic promotion spots this season. SAMIRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!|
|Arsene’s Special Schemers||Last season saw ASS in Division One after “accidentally getting promoted”. This was not part of the youth grooming master plan, however having tasted the riches of Division One once will Ass-ene Wenger be keen to return?|
|Border Wanderers||The new boys are this season’s dark horses. They have a strong team and have been dabbling in the transfer market – let’s see the new manager’s tactical chops. A real wildcard.|
|CA Buenos Aires||With a newly installed manager for Season Seven, Dan has put his faith in last season’s crop of players. Many will be looking to see if CBA keep hold of S_Campbell and build their future team around him, or sell him for the big bucks and reinvest.|
|Farsley Celtic||The biggest transfer dealers in the close season by far. Chris is certainly aiming to propel his team up the table and is eyeing instant promotion. He has recruited strongly, will this season go to plan?|
|Ferly’s Burlys||The Berlys have been a sleeping giant in previous seasons. With a team that favours squad rotation Simon certainly knows how to manage his team and avoid fatigue, but can Simon knock on this season and push those big lads to promotion?|
|Galacticos||One of the biggest names to be relegated this season, Galacticos are – and I mean this with no disrespect – the Norwich of this game. Anish surely must be backing himself to yo-yo back up.|
|Kay FC||Plans to, quote: “Tank the league”.|
|Totteridge Tigers||Rob has a good squad and certainly some good cash from last season’s sojourn into Division One. K_Diawara was the headline summer signing and will add significant firepower to TOT’s attack.|
|Victorious Secrets||Those scantily clad lads from Victorious Secrets spent the summer in their Marbella training camp …presumably next to the pool working on their tan and ordering banana daquiris and plates of chips. But how will a daily calorific intake of 3,000+ calories translate to league form?|