Matchday 4 preview: The ultimate mountaineering adventure

“Mount Everest is still the ultimate mountaineering adventure. To stand at the pinnacle of the Earth is one of life’s most rewarding experiences. As pioneers of guided ascents on Everest, Adventure Consultants is recognised as the premier guiding service with a superb reputation for enabling members of our expeditions to achieve summit aspirations.”

And for just $70,000 USD when you book with adventureconsultants.com, you too could experience standing on top of the world.

But why would you pay that amount of money, go through months of training and hardship, (hopefully) survive near-death experiences on the climb and descent and spend 63 days living in extreme harsh conditions for 20 minutes on the summit at some time around 3am, when you have the opportunity to stand on the top of the world from the comfort of your very own home? For free?

Tonight, for two lucky managers, that dream will become a reality. For tonight will see a top of the table clash in both divisions. Two managers – perhaps permanently, perhaps only briefly – will summit the division, pause, and casually cast their eye down on the other eight managers desperately scampering up the cliff face after them.

So sit back and absorb the narrative.

Division One

OPK vs KFC

  • OPK are the clear league leaders going into this game but are only one win ahead of the Dulwich Isolation Club.
  • KFC are one of the pre-season favourites and just about keeping pace – a win for them tonight is absolutely crucial if they are to retain their titl. Otherwise they will find themselves eight points adrift.
  • OPK have no injury or fitness concerns to the starting 11 while a few KFC players are slightly jaded.

W92 vs THS

  • Level on points going into this game, both teams are just behind the two leading teams.
  • Wilko’s 92 All Stars will be looking to repeat their heroics of last week and force a draw from one of the pre-season favourites, this time Tulse Hill Superior. An injury to one of their defenders will force a reshuffle at the back though.
  • THS also see tonight as vital, as they too will be eight points adrift of the title if they lose this game. What tactic will they choose (and then change after 5 minutes)?

DIC vs IVO

  • A potentially huge night for the Dulwich Isolation Club; a win for DICs will further perpetuate the patriarchy, but will also see their team sit astride the top of the table when the dust has settled this evening. A midfield injury needs to be factored in.
  • Boris Grishenko has recently unlocked the secrets of ESMS and has spent the previous week reworking the code, fine tuning the algorithms and manipulating the data to soccerball his very own perfect starting 11. Of cheeses. Ivor’s Army will be looking to pull away from the bottom but a defeat could see them dragged into a season of struggle.
  • DIC’s Sam Allardyce doesn’t believe in any of this new fangled computer nonsense and will be showering in gravy, guzzling straight from the Bovril bowl and munching lard whilst playing a ‘proper’ formation like 4-4-2 or 4-3-3 and bellowing at his players through his Bluetooth headset. Auction signing G_Zola will almost certainly get a run-out, tinkering and scheming behind the forwards.

AGU vs CTH

  • The basement dwellers. The bottom feeders. The plankton that pathetically sit on the belly of the blue whale, eking out a miserable existence by relying on their hosts superiority. Maybe I’m going in a bit harsh (I’m allowed, I’m one of the teams) but this is a season defining game for both teams at the very bottom of the table.
  • CSKA Tulse Hill and Aguerissimo FC both have 0 points at this point in the season and desperately need 3 to get back in touching distance with the teams above.
  • CTH find themselves without a defender and midfielder going into the game, although the auction signing of the lesser replacement P_DiCanio (WELCOME A_MUHREN!) will slightly soften the blow. AGU are down a defender but that shouldn’t matter as they have about 90 players.

Division Two

FIN vs ARA

  • Top of the table! First vs second! One of the aforementioned Summit Clashes TM; the winner of this game will finish the evening sat atop of Everest surveying all before them. They’ll also be firmly ensconced in the promotion places in this early stage of the season, because let’s be honest, we’re all in this for the money.
  • Despite caretaker manager Gunnersaurus once again taking up his seat in the dugout for the match, Finidi FC are confounding the critics and carving their way through the opposition. They have no fitness or injury concerns going into this game.
  • Archway Athletic are nursing a knackered players, how they manage this and they tactics they employ to compensate will be crucial to the outcome of this game.

MMA vs ASS

  • Both teams will be looking to propel themselves up the table in this solid mid-table bout. With both teams level on points, this game has the potential to project one manager into the higher echelons of the table.
  • MMA have a real headache up front, with their only striker possessing very below-par fitness. Could we see a midfielder swarm in the style of Spain circa 2016…or the 4-6-0 of Craig Levein’s Scotland team?
  • ASS have a medium term injury to one of their defenders – it’s Igor Stephanovs, don’t worry about it – but other than that boast a clean bill of health and the world’s most expensive goalkeeper in their ranks following the auction. Will this be the season we see Bob’s youth masterplan fall into place, or “can you never win anything with kids”?

FER vs CLC

  • In the early stages of the season both teams both teams are looking for a vital win to power themselves up the table. Both teams have fitness concerns although Ferly’s Burleys fitness concerns are far graver.
  • Clapton Crusaders are a game short but looking to make amends for their first game where they dominated on shots. They surely go into the game as favourites.
  • Ferly’s Burleys were predicted a tough season before the campaign and their season is starting to look tough – will they be tempted to cash in on the 16 year old wonderkid Drogba to strengthen the other areas of their team?

GAL vs CLA

  • Welcome G_Zambrotta! Galactico’s full back concerns have been solved after the auction, when a 19 rated player arrived for a steal at under £30m. They now need to start getting wins out of these matches as this is another game with two teams further down the table, both looking to climb the table with this match.
  • Clapped Out FC are embodying their name with a few players in defence suffering poor fitness. Will CLA play five at the back? Will GAL play three up front? Will it be attack vs defence?

Mike

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