Transfer Deadline Day roundup: Let’s cross live now to the car park outside the Ricoh Arena

Someone phone Sir Fred Goodwin, the bank is broken. What a day of big money moves we had yesterday. Let me hit you with some stats:

On transfer deadline day the selling club receives an additional 50% of any fee. Let’s not worry about whether this is definitely a ponzi scheme; here’s a selection of some of the deals!

K_Beattie     20 eng  LC  5 21 12  7 72 30 300 589 913 566

Given the wonders of modern technology and the mobile nature of smartphones, I’m not sure if Kevin Beattie is a footballer or a class A drug given I happened to be round the back of Blackfriars station when I sold him yesterday. I should clarify that I was only passing through the area, it was in-between where I started and where I needed to be.

On the assumption that he’s a footballer then he’s a fantastic purchase for Merstham Magic. With an average Division One defender now at least 20 rated Beattie is already 21 rated, he’ll be 22 rated next year after the youth abs and he’s probably going to go up to 13 in passing soon as well. His value will surely only increase. Cracking sideburns.

S_Ostrolenk   16 pol   C  5 17 10  6 74 21 300 397 321 314
J_Dzieknowski 16 pol RLC  4  8 15  8 73 23 300 300 300 300

Żeby Polska była Polską. Whereas Arsene Wenger ushered in a new era of player welfare and nutrition at Highbury, Bob the ASS manager was most recently been seen walking around the canteen handing out pierogi, bigos, kotlet schbowy and kaszanka, given the recent attempts to make the ASS squad resemble downtown Warsaw.

Ostrolenk is a fine purchase – already one stat greater than his age and with 9 appearances under his belt this season he’ll go up a stat in the very near future, ready for a career of getting an earful from W_Szczesny. With some careful attention Dzieknowski will turn into an extremely useful, versatile midfielder, laying on the assists for R_Lewandowski.

D_Batty       24 eng   C  5 11 21  8 70 24 300 468 454 412

Batty could be a huge signing for Archway Athletic. With ARA currently the best placed team to avoid automatic relegation to Division Two, this could be the signing that keeps them up.

Batty’s fitness will need to be managed as he rarely gets eight hours sleep given all the 3am sleepwalking, sobbing and screaming about penalty shootouts, however if fit he’s a very tidy Division One quality player with decent secondaries to lend a hand with defence.

K_Diawara     21 fra   C  5  7 11 21 76 40 300 112 583 850
Ronaldinho    28 bra  LC  4  2 17 19 59 15 300 248 364 754
T_Sheringham  20 eng   C  4  5 14 17 60 20 300 336 372 880

Is Kaba the most transferred player in the game? Did he ever foresee this prestigious honour hoisted upon him when he first stepped onto the Highbury turf in 1999 for the first of his 12 appearances, or today where he is the head coach of the Guinean national football team preparing for their first African Cup of Nations match?

A £25m youth academy prospect who came through the ranks at ASS, he then departed to FAC in the swap deal that brought R_Lewandowski to the Emirates Stadium. Following that, he crossed the North London divide and switched the ‘Arsenal’ of Arsene’s Special Schemers for the ‘Spurs’ of Totteridge Tigers for £80m p/x. A swap deal for S_Campbell (ironic) then saw him move to CA Buenos Aires, before heading to Farsley Celtic this transfer deadline day for the best part of five minutes before finally landing at Archway Athletic, in a deal that surely has a few eyebrows raised to Ancelotti heights.

A very good centre forward who’s not far from going up to 22 stat, he sits in that perfect sweet spot of being good enough to be an attractive purchase but not so incredibly good that you have to keep hold of him at all costs. But what he will do is bang in the goals.

All the transfer deadline day deals

Name         Age Nat Prs St Tk Ps Sh Sm Ag KAb TAb PAb SAb  DATE      FROM TO   FEE 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
W_Andrews     16 eng  LC  4  5 10 20 77 27 300 434 651 300  05/01/22  ara  fac  £20m p/x TDD
D_Batty       24 eng   C  5 11 21  8 70 24 300 468 391 398  05/01/22  fac  ara  p/x TDD
K_Diawara     21 fra   C  5  7 11 21 76 40 300 112 583 850  05/01/22  fac  ara  p/x TDD
T_Mueller     30 ger   R  4 10 14 20 64 30 300 280 469 850  05/01/22  fac  ara  p/x TDD
D_Batty       24 eng   C  5 11 21  8 70 24 300 468 391 398  05/01/22  fuk  fac  £45m TDD
W_Sneijder    28 nld   R  4 10 18  9 57 25 300 308 397 290  05/01/22  fuk  vis  £20m TDD
E_Martinez    19 arg   L 21  7  8  8 67 29 715 300 300 300  05/01/22  cba  fuk  £40m p/x TDD
J_Woodgate    21 eng  LC  5 18 11  6 79 24 300 642 376 750  05/01/22  fuk  cba  p/x TDD
D_Luiz        23 bra   C  4 17 14 12 50 25 300 630 542 558  05/01/22  fuk  cba  p/x TDD
K_Diawara     21 fra   C  5  7 11 21 76 40 300 112 583 850  05/01/22  cba  fac  £60m p/x TDD
Ronaldinho    28 bra  LC  4  2 17 19 59 15 300 248 364 754  05/01/22  fac  cba  p/x TDD
T_Sheringham  20 eng   C  4  5 14 17 60 20 300 336 372 880  05/01/22  fac  cba  p/x TDD
M_Tarnat      25 ger   L  5 18 14  6 64 34 300 492 836 356  05/01/22  mma  dic  £25m TDD
K_Beattie     20 eng  LC  5 21 12  7 72 30 300 557 892 538  05/01/22  cth  mma  £120m TDD
T_Walcott     21 eng   C  3  5  9 19 60 20 300 440 572 624  05/01/22  dic  clc  £40m TDD
E_Rice        33 nig  LC  3  9 20  8 70 23 300 694 463 696  05/01/22  kfc  ara  £13m TDD
S_Ostrolenk   16 pol   C  5 17 10  6 74 21 300 397 321 314  05/01/22  mma  ass  £30m TDD
J_Dzieknowski 16 pol RLC  4  8 15  8 73 23 300 300 300 300  05/01/22  mma  ass  £30m TDD
C_Fabregas    15 spa   C  4  7 14 14 63 33 300 300 300 300  05/01/22  opk  fac  £12.5m TDD
C_Fruchtl     22 ger  LC 17  5  3  5 81 29 300 300 300 300  05/01/22  fac  kfc  £20m TDD