Matchday 16 preview: Tell me everything that I need to know

Great news; I unfucked the site! Or more accurately, I made it again after I accidentally deleted it!

After hours upon hours of tears, toil, sweat and sheer hard graft (/after minutes upon minutes of clicking a link to reinstall a backup I had the foresight to make) the site is back! You can now see with ease everyone’s squads, tables and… just how far adrift you are at the bottom of the table. All is normal then.

So what was happened in those long, barren 20 days that the site was down? How many scorpion kicks have there been? How many managers have immediately reverted to D after going one goal ahead in the first 10 minutes? What has Luke Chapman been up to??? Well let me tell you.

Division One

With only three rounds left to play this season the top of the table could not be tighter. Hold on to your trousers because Opulent Knack currently sit at the top of the table with 29 points, one point ahead of both Tulse Hill Something and Dulwich Isolation Club…

… but THS and DIC both have a game in hand on OPK!!!

In the previous round Tulse Hill Superior had taken all three points off of Dulwich Isolation Crew to bring a bit more parity to the top of the table. Now all three teams will be kept apart in the final fixtures of the season until the very last day, when Dulwich Isolation Crew play Opulent Knack in a guaranteed title decider… But for whom?

At the bottom of the table, the two relegation places are virtually certain with CSKA Tulse Hill remaining reliably absolutely fucking toilet for the majority of the season and Hackbridge Harriers joining them by propping up the table. It will take a six point swing for CSKA to overtake Ivor’s Army – something that definitely won’t be hilarious should it happen – so with the play-off places assured most managers will probably be resting their best players in advance of the play-offs. Or at least the managers I’m playing against definitely should.

Division Two

Archway Athletic are promoted and Champions, congratulations! They have a 10 point lead with 9 points left to play for and have absolutely blitzed the league. They can begin planning for the rollercoaster ride and all the lovely, lovely, dirty, filthy money that comes with being in Division One.

Behind them, Victorious Secrets (still just in their underwear) and Galacticos are duking it out for the second automatic promotion spot. The Secrets are currently four points ahead of the Galacticos in second place and this weekend sees the mother of all crunch matches as Galacticos host those lads in pants. A win for the Secrets and second place is almost theirs; a win for the Galacticos and the race for second is wide open. There may be everything to play for but one thing we can be certain of is that 11 men will soon be getting hypothermia.

This was always going to be a tough year for Arsene’s Special Schemers as they built a young team that will improve over the coming seasons. However this transition for Arsene’s Special Schemers has been particularly tough, as after an awkward conversation with their parents they now identify as ‘being shite’. They’re currently bottom of the league getting their youngsters some abs.

ASS are at the rear now but might not finish bottom, as Clapped Out FC, Ferly’s Burley’s and the Clapton Crusaders are all only three points away, with Clapped Out FC having one less game to play. The bottom two miss out on the play offs so two of these four are likely to be disappointed come the end of the season.


The semi-finals for the POWF Plate have been played and the final is set. Victorious Secrets and Galacticos continued up their storming seasons as they both had a massive semi; they played Tulse Hill Superior and Kay FC respectively.

Unfortunately the dream died for one of the Division Two teams as perennial winners KFC saw off Galacticos to book their place in the final. It was a different story in the other semi though, as Victorious Secrets overcome Tulse Hill Superior to book their place in the final against KFC. A huge game is in store. Both of the defeated semi-final managers had opted to play for penalties from the start of the game.

I literally have no idea what’s happened in the other cup, can someone tell me please?

Coming up


We have only three league games left to decide the fate of all 18 teams.

We have play-offs.

We have cup finals.

We have a live auction (I think???).

The calendar on the site is inaccurate as we went rogue with dates mid-way through the season.

Strap in.

Strap on.

Get involved.


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