The Big Kick Off!

Here we go, the big kick off. In a few week’s time we’ll look back at this weekend and chuckle to ourselves and each other about how much we didn’t know, how naive we were and how ill-equipped we were going into these games.

But for now, we’ll remain ignorant, naive and ill-equipped and throw ourselves headlong into the opening games of the season ready to get pumped 8-0.

Division One

  • Floresta United Kickers vs Clapped Out FC: All eyes will be on FUK, last season’s champions, who are starting the season against the team who took the last Division One place. It’s a real David vs Goliath for the first game of the season, who’s got the slingshot?
  • Merstham Magic vs Hackbridge Harriers: Two more newly promoted teams, both will be viewing this game as a must-win as they will surely have their sights on battling the drop. Last season 9 points / 3 wins was enough to beat the drop, although with 1 game more it’s likely they’ll need 10 to be safe. A win here would go a long way to securing that.
  • Archway Athletic vs Clapton Crusaders: Leo Messi’s top flight debut will be against the Athletic, who are looking to the future with youth purchases over the close season break. The odds might be with Clapton on this game but Archway have found the winning formula as they were consistent and reliably mid-table last season, so it’s all on Dave.
  • Dulwich Isolation Crew vs CSKA Tulse Hill: DIC unexpectedly struggled last season but will presumably return to the top of the table this season. This will be another debut – the debut of CSKA Tulse Hill’s avant garde impression of footballers. A mad experiment with a team made up of youth DMs and AMs putting the focus on secondaries, good job it was only a speculative punt and didn’t cost north of £250m.
  • Opulent Knack vs Tulse Hill Superior: BOOM. Straight out the traps with one of the biggest games of the season. Two of the biggest teams in the game and many people’s title contenders. I needn’t say more…

Division Two

  • Victorious Secrets vs Kay FC: KFC are still steadily rebuilding ready for the moment when they unleash their assault on the title and
  • …whilst VIS, a team that in my mind is made up of 11 footballers crossed between Johnny Bravo and Cristiano Ronaldo, are looking for the immediate rebound into Division One.
  • CA Buenos Aires vs Galacticos: A baptism of fire for new manager Dan against Anish’s Galacticos, one of the surprise relegations from Division One. Will Dan take a tight Division Two by storm or does Anish have more tactical tricks up his sleeve?
  • Aguerissimo FC vs Totteridge Tigers: Will Rob be able to nullify the perennial Golden Boot candidate, Big Rom Lukaku? It’s been a quiet transfer window for both clubs, with a few youths for the Tigers as they sensibly think long-term. If either manager gets promoted on the cheaper they’ll have huge cash reserves to deploy to storm Division One next season.
  • Arsene’s Special Schemers vs Ferlys Burlys: ASS are another team rebuilding from the ground up with their youths – are we going to see a wholesale changing of the guard in two or three seasons? – whereas a win for FER would be a huge boost to the start of the season where they must be looking to get into the play-offs.
  • Border Wanderers vs Farsley Celtic: The two new teams into the game are pitted against each other in week one! Chris has been wheeling and dealing his way through the summer – has he got his team up to scratch? Derek has also brought in the reinforcements and both managers have already submitted their teamsheets – they mean business. This game could go either way!


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