Matchday 12 preview: Miami Vice

It’s 1986.

You’ve got one hand on the wheel of your Sunseeker Predator 50-74 sports yacht as you skim the waves across Miami harbour; your aviators on, collar upturned on your pastel-coloured suit and the wind in your mullet.

You feel successful. You are powerful. This is living.

Yes that’s right, this is what it feels like to be the winner of ESMS Division One, and we only have three more games to find out who it will be.

Division One

As it stands, the Tulse Hill Incorrectlynamedables have a two point lead at the top of the table. Wouldn’t it be terrible if Will’s opponents played defensive with six defenders and two holding midfielders against them for the last three games of the season limiting THI to three 0-0 draws while Kay FC hoovered up nine points? Truly, it would be a disaster.


A disaster.


It would be terrible.

So no one do that.

If Clapped Out come unstuck against THI then Finidi FC and Dulwich Isolation Crew, who play each other, will be looking to close the gap on third. Although with the majority of Division One teams separated by 10 points, and with 9 points up for grabs, there’s everything to play for across the division.

Pl   Team                    P    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts
1    Tulse Hill Invincibles 11    6   3   2    13    5    8    21
2    Kay FC                 11    5   4   2    10    5    5    19
3    Clapped Out FC         11    5   3   3    12   10    2    18
4    Finidi FC              11    3   5   3     3    5   -2    14
5    Dulwich Isolation Crew 11    3   4   4     7    5    2    13
6    Opulent Knack          11    3   4   4    15   15    0    13
7    Ferlys Burlys          11    2   5   4     3    9   -6    11
8    Galacticos             11    1   4   6     4   13   -9     7


  • OPK will be looking to continue their unique brand of heavy metal football, scoring and conceding all of the goals and managing to finish with a GD of 0
  • GAL absolutely need to win this game if they’re to finish in 6th place, out of the relegation zone


  • KFC in 2nd are the favourites against FER in 7th, KFC will be looking to catch THI two points ahead in 1st
  • FER have a very real chance of avoiding automatic relegation with two points separating them from the play offs and three games to go


  • THI are two points clear at the top with three games to go – they need to win
  • If CLA win they go joint top with THI, second on goal difference, and KFC have the chance to close the gap on THI


  • With the title 5 and 6 points away respectively, and two games to go, both managers will be laser focused on not getting sucked into the drop zone
  • Hilariously, Finidi FC have scored three league goals all season

Division Two

Down in Division Two – some might say the real champions – the pre-season favourites Aguerissimo continue to set the pace, challenged all the way by Hackbridge Harriers the beast awaken from their cave and rampaging their way through the fixture list.

However, the biggest game of the night has to be Ivor’s Army vs Wilko’s 92 All Stars. W92 have been quietly going about their business, quietly slaying, while IVO have been on a mad, bi-weekly rollercoaster ride, wildly fluctuating between absolute gold and utter toilet. Both are poised in mid-table and a win for either would put them right back in the mix for the top two automatic promotion places.

Pl   Team                    P    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts
1    Aguerissimo FC         11    6   3   2    22    9   13    21
2    Hackbridge Harriers    11    5   4   2    20   10   10    19
3    Ivor's Army            11    4   4   3    16   15    1    16
4    Wilko's 92 All Stars   11    4   3   4     9   12   -3    15
5    Archway Athletic       11    3   5   3     5    8   -3    14
6    CSKA Tulse Hill        11    2   5   4    11   12   -1    11
7    Clapton Crusaders      11    2   4   5    12   18   -6    10
8    Arse Special Schemers  11    2   4   5     9   20  -11    10


  • CLC stormed to victory in their last game – can they continue their form against ARA, the division’s lowest scorers?


  • It’s 2nd vs 8th and Hackbridge are desperate to win to keep the pace on league leaders Aguerissimo
  • It’s very tight at the bottom and a win for ASS could see them leapfrog two teams and climb out of the relegation zone in one swift move – something they need to do to make the play offs

IVO v W92

  • An absolutely crucial match for both teams – a win for either could see them joint second or 1 point off of second and back in the mix for automatic promotion with two more games to go…
  • … a defeat for either would surely resign them to the play offs


  • I’d just submit an autogen if I were you Danilo, it’s the honourable thing to do


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