Matchday 14 preview: The world is yours

“Say hello to my little friend”, growled Tony Montana towards the end of the 1984 classic film Scarface (which, incidentally, is not a film about someone who is excellent at scarves), as he reveals his hidden weapon.

No, he wasn’t talking about his gentleman’s trouser-related personality-dominator. He was talking about an entirely different weapon; a grenade launcher. That he decided to let off inside his own house. I encourage you to watch the end of this true life documentary to understand the pros and cons of that idea.

Aguerissimo FC forward, and league top scorer, Romelu Lukaku’s weapon is altogether very different. Yes, it is trouser-related, in that it is on the end of his right leg. His right foot is the devastating weapon that AGU manager Danilo will be hoping is deployed with surgical precision to secure the Golden Boot, as Lukaku currently sits two goals ahead of Kay FC’s M_Bonelesdip with one more league game and one more cup-not-cup game each to play.


We have reached the final league game of the season. This is it. This is the massive climax. This is what the season has been building towards. This is where we find out who will be crowned the Division One and Division Two Champions for Season Four. The tension is unbearable, I am literally beside myself.

Division Two

Pl   Team                    P    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts
1    Aguerissimo FC         13    7   3   3    23   13   10    24
2    Wilko's 92 All Stars   13    6   3   4    12   12    0    21
3    Hackbridge Harriers    13    5   5   3    21   12    9    20
4    Ivor's Army            13    5   4   4    17   17    0    19
5    Archway Athletic       13    4   5   4     8   11   -3    17
6    CSKA Tulse Hill        13    3   5   5    15   13    2    14
7    Clapton Crusaders      13    3   4   6    15   21   -6    13
8    Arse Special Schemers  13    2   5   6    10   22  -12    11

Pre-season favourites Aguerissimo FC claimed a vital victory at the weekend to take themselves within touching distance of the title. Going into the final game they sit three points clear at the top of the table with a +10 goal difference against second place. If they fail to win the title it will be absolutely spectacular/hilarious/disastrous/definitely hilarious.

Hoping to haul in Aguerissimo FC are Wilko’s 92 All Stars, who have miraculously managed to escape punishment all season despite fielding at least 81 players too many. They have a tenuous chance of seizing the title but they may be more focused on looking over their shoulder. They sit in the second and final automatic promotion place going in to the last league game, one point ahead of Hackbridge Harriers and two points ahead of Ivor’s Army.

At the bottom it’s a menage a trois between CSKA Tulse Hill, Clapton Crusaders and Arsene’s Special Schemers to finish third bottom and in the final play-off spot. The Special Schemers find themselves in last place going into the final game, three points and 10 goals behind CSKA who are in the final play-off spot. So they’ll need to absolutely monster their opposition. Whereas Clapton Crusaders are only one point behind CSKA and looking to reel them in with steely determination.



  • Both teams need to win!
  • Ivor’s Army will be looking for a strong finish to the season and secure automatic promotion. Nothing less than a win will do, with results also needing to go their way elsewhere.
  • Clapton Crusaders are only one point behind CSKA Tulse Hill but with an inferior goal difference need to better CTH’s result – a win will give them a great chance of this.


  • Both teams need to win!
  • Aguerissimo are three points and 10 points clear at the top of the table. They need to not lose 10-0 to clinch the title. All they need is a point.
  • Hackbridge Harriers sit in third, one point and one place from the second automatic promotion place with a far superior goal difference over second place. A win will give them the best possible chance of overtaking Wilko’s 92 All Stars in second.


  • CSKA Tulse Hill have had a season of two halves and will be sick as a parrot to miss the play-offs. A win will guarantee them the last play-off spot, a draw or loss will leave matters out of their hands.
  • Archway Athletic have had a solid first season and will finish in a mid-table play off spot, although a defeat will see CSKA Tulse Hill overtake them.

W92 vs ASS

  • Wilko’s 92 All Stars need to win to have any chance of claiming the title, but crucially a win for W92 will also secure the second and final automatic play-off spot.
  • Arsene’s Special Schemers are playing for pride and looking to overhaul Clapton Crusaders and not finish bottom.

Division One

Pl   Team                    P    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts
1    Kay FC                 13    6   5   2    14    8    6    23
2    Tulse Hill Invincibles 13    6   4   3    13    7    6    22
3    Clapped Out FC         13    5   5   3    12   10    2    20
4    Opulent Knack          13    5   4   4    18   15    3    19
5    Dulwich Isolation Crew 13    4   5   4    10    6    4    17
6    Finidi FC              13    3   5   5     4    9   -5    14
7    Ferlys Burlys          13    2   6   5     5   12   -7    12
8    Galacticos             13    2   4   7     6   15   -9    10

This weekend’s matches saw the mother of all mixed metaphors, with a seismic swing upsetting the apple cart and knocking a team off of pole position with a Hail Mary pass to potentially change the direction of the final destination of the title. Kay FC are now top and the title is theirs to lose. At the bottom, the Dulwich Isolation Crew made sure they avoided the drop but Finidi FC, who occupy the last play-off spot, need to better the result of Ferly’s Burlys to avoid automatic relegation.

At the top, Kay FC now find themselves in the rarefied air of top of the table by the narrowest of margins. They are 1 point ahead and absolutely level on goal difference with second placed Tulse Hill Invincibles. Clapped Out FC sit in third place, three points behind Kay FC and with a mathematical chance of claiming the title if both the teams ahead of them decide to commit footballing hara-kiri.

Will Kay FC, currently in first place and season one champions, become the first team ever to win the title twice? They play the already relegated Galacticos. Or will Galacticos, liberated from the suffocating pressure of a relegation battle, suddenly find their form and spoil the party? One point isn’t enough for Kay FC, they need all three.

Will Clapped Out FC, currently in third, claim the title? Only three points will do, although their manager will probably need to cook more than one dodgy lasagne for both KFC and THI to fall at the final hurdle.

Or will Tulse Hill Invincibles, who currently sit in second, claim the title? Seasoned observers will point out that, in previous seasons, this will depend on whether Warren Barton decides to defend like a man who has at frequent points of the afternoon found himself adjacent to a delicious pint of lager.

With all three managers in the unique position of needing a win, the smart opposition managers will sense this weakness, channel their inner Tony Montana and attack, attack, attack.



  • Opulent Knack are safely in the play-offs and could finish between 3rd and 5th. Will they finish the season with a win to finish 3rd to maximise their play-off chances?
  • Finidi FC are dangerously close to the drop and have to either win, or better Ferly’s Burlys result, to avoid the drop.


  • Dulwich Isolation Crew are safe in the play-offs and realistically will finish either 4th or 5th.
  • Clapped Out FC can win the title with a victory here and results to go their way elsewhere – a three goal victory will certainly help.


  • Both teams need to win!
  • This is the season-defining game for both teams.
  • Tulse Hill Unbelievables are one point from the top of the table and need to better KFC’s result elsewhere.
  • Ferly’s Burlys are in the drop zone and need at least a win to climb out of the relegation zone on the final day of the season.


  • A win for Kay FC will secure them the title. It doesn’t come bigger than this.
  • Galacticos are relegated have nothing to play for except finishing second bottom… and denying KFC the title.

All will be revealed this week.


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