Matchday 3 preview: The patented giveashit-o-meter

Word to your mothers.

Like enjoying a fine wine, making big decisions or designing and executing the PR campaign around the launch of your new European Super League, we know that some things take time.

A prime example is the league table; conventional wisdom says that there’s no point looking at the Premier League table before October. It takes time to see how the league will play out. If the Premier League even exists next October.

Yet the Premier League has 20 teams (well, 14+6), where teams are required to play 38 league games each season. Here, at the pinnacle of the sport, the European Super Text File League, we have leagues of nine teams, where the teams are required to play 16 league games within a season.

Therefore I’ve fed these stats into the patented giveashit-o-meter and deduced that ESMS managers should start to care about the tables after approximately the third match.

Oh shit.

Strap in, because I’m about to come at you hard and fast with some numbers.

Last season, 6th place was enough to secure the final play-off spot. The 6th placed team in each league earned 14 and 15 points respectively. Let’s say 14.5. Now that the league has increased 12.5% from 8 teams to 9, teams will need 12.5% more than last season’s 14.5 points to finish 6th and make the play-offs. That’s roughly 16.3125 points.

In the increased Division One, where the play-offs have been extended to 7th place, that could be the difference between staying in the league or relegation. Where are you going to get 5.4375 wins from?

You need to stop losing those matches, pronto.

At the top of the table, each league was won with 25 and 26 points last season. We don’t need algebra for this one: Both champions only failed to win 7 of their 14 games last season on their way to victory. Tbh that’s quite poor but let’s not go there right now, that’s some good #content for a future post.

With 12.5% more teams, those 25.5 points becomes 28.6875. 10 wins (yeah, I know, it doesn’t have to be 10 wins, maybe some wins and some draws, don’t worry about it) will get you the title.

Can you afford to lose any more?

Division One


  • Tulse Hill Superior have already used up one of their allowed six defeats this season so they need a win to get back on track.
  • Hackbridge Harriers have one win in the bag and the pressure is off against the pre-season title favourites. A win for HAH would be as universally welcomed as, say, the collapse of your average European Super League.


  • In a week where CSKA Tulse Hill have been angrily denying the strong rumours circulating that they were approached to become the 16th team in the European Super League, their text-file based players must now clear their heads and turn to the midweek game against Dulwich Isolation Club.
  • CTH have yet to record a win and are starting to look like they’re circling the drain – a win will be a lifeline.
  • DIC will be viewing this game as a necessity if they want to seriously challenge the top of the table.

KFC v W92

  • This is the first opportunity for Wilko’s 92 All Stars to test their mettle against a big team, having smashed minnows CSKA Tulse Hill in game one and come unstuck against Ivor’s Army in game two.
  • KFC will be fielding three players in the middle of a crippling existential identity crisis as they are yet to be named – will a near total mental breakdown affect the performance of these three players?


  • Opulent Knack are the form team… or the only team that isn’t massively inconsistent. They’re the only team to record two victories in their first two games – a kinder interpretation than “they’re the only team not to fuck up 50% of their season so far”.
  • OPK are top of the table but without their best defender for this game, Panayotis Alexander Lalas (his actual name, I just went on Wikipedia); A_Lalas. And his hairdresser.
  • IVO have called in the data analysts and OPTA statisticians and have been pro-zoning the shit out of the various different formations in the run up to this game, could they pull off a massive upset?

Division Two


  • Having rested a game, Clapton Crusaders go into their match with the theoretically fresher squad. They are looking to get the first points on the board.
  • Victorious Secrets still – still – refuse to wear any more clothes beyond a co-ordinated bra and knickers combination, which may have been why they lost their last game. Don’t be fooled by the previous game’s 3-0 reverse against ARA, it was an even match. Despite the goals. The putting of the ball into the net. Crucial, some say.


  • The previous match saw Arsene’s Special Schemer’s manager Bob stretchered from the touchline with an oxygen mask strapped to his face at the final whistle, having become physically unwell with altitude sickness after learning that his team have climbed to 5th place. Is this the season ASS will make an assault on the title? Or is this another slash and burn to groom the kids?
  • Florentino Perez’s Galacticos, at the time of writing, haven’t withdrawn and are still technically in the European Super League. They are one of three teams left so have a fantastic chance of making the final and even winning the competition. They may view this game against Arsene’s Special Schemers as a distraction to the real prize.


  • Archway Athletic are the early season pace-setters, having earned two impressive wins against Victorious Secrets and the Clapton Crusaders. Ferly’s Burlys are also doing well, being one of a handful of teams who can claim positive goal difference.
  • Both teams have defensive availability issues – FER have one defender unavailable while two of ARA’s are knackered – but whichever manager solves their issues and wins should find themselves in the top 2 after this game.


  • Clapped Out FC go into this game rock bottom of the game, in last place with a -3 points difference. However they’ll fancy their chances of reversing that against caretaker manager team Finidi FC.
  • Finidi FC are second – no I don’t know how either – but have an almost completely clean bill of health amongst their team, so won’t have a better chance to continue their good form.


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