As the ticker tape slowly flutters down, the majorettes pack up their batons, the street cleaners start sweeping the trampled paper pint cups and someone puts a bullet in the PA system playing the nine hundredth loop of Chelsea Dagger, we can now look back at the highs, the lows and the text-file based disasters of season four.
Oxford and Cambridge Universities. Raffles Hotel. The Uffizi. The Medicis, the Mings, the Mamluks and the Habsburgs. The Baldwins, the Jacksons and the Hanson Brothers. Sinatra, Bogart, Martin and Davis Jr. Howey, Lee, Beardsley, Barton, Peacock and Beresford. There have been many famous dynasties and institutions down the years and now we can add another: Kay FC.
Undoubtedly the big story of the season was that of a squad comprised solely of transfers and fried chicken achieving greatness by becoming the first ever team to win the league twice. In a scintillating climax to the season that sparked scenes of joy on the streets of Fried Chicken – and no doubt unleashed a lively, passionate and almost certainly one-sided oral dissertation on the topics of morality, justice, ethics, and dark forces upon on the unfortunate occupants of the Watkins household – Yulong’s Kay FC overtook Will’s Tulse Hill Invincibles on the final straight to take Division One title.
The early pace-setters were Clapped Out FC, occupying the top of the table from the start of the season through to round five. With an avant garde approach to the concepts of tactics, defending and possession, the Clapped Out manager Clayton succeeded in bamboozling opposition managers and seizing the early initiative. With only two games until the half way point it was clear that Clapped Out meant business, however the finely balanced display of interpretive dance that doubled as Clapped Out’s brand of possession-based football, and the formations more akin to Picasso’s Blue Period, started to fall apart as Tulse Hill Invincibles hauled them in to take the lead from round six until almost – crucial word – the end of the season.
Going in to round 11 of a 14 round season Tulse Hill Invincibles had built up a 5 point lead, however Kay FC did the business and swooped in and claim their second title as Tulse Hill Invincbles faltered in the closing rounds, sealing the title on the final day.
At the bottom of the table, Galacticos FC and Ferly’s Burlys decision to boycott Season Four in protest of the perceived corruption at the heart of Division One reaped dividends as they finished in the drop zone and will be playing in Division Two next season.
Galacticos will no doubt be excited to euthanise this season at the earliest opportunity, having ended round 1 in bottom place and remaining there every week up to and including round 14. Joining them in the drop zone are Ferly’s Burlys, who spent much of the season vying with Finidi FC and sometimes Dulwich Isolation Crew in the second relegation spot but were eventually UFC’d through the league’s trap door by their Division One rivals.
Not that Finidi FC had much to celebrate. Owing to a brutal play-off system designed by the game’s top two teams that see’s every single team outside of the top two in danger of relegation through the play offs, Finidi FC and Clapped Out FC lost their play off games and are consigned to the drop. Clapped Out may wonder how a season that saw them finish third came to this, however the healthy prize money that accompanies their third-placed finish should give them the opportunity to rebuild strongly in advance of the next season.
In the game’s secondary cup competition, competed by teams knocked out of the first round of the POWF Plate, cup specialists Dulwich Isolation Crew reached yet another final. By beating Galactics in the final Dulwich clinched their second trophy, putting them level with Kay FC in terms of trophies won (no offence but Kay FC’s trophies were harder).
By reaching the final, Galacticos cup form contrasted with their league form and both teams picked up literally an amount of prize money for their travails.
I am delighted to announce that Division One has a new title sponsor!
In order to fund the sustainable business practice of needing to pump ever increasing amounts of money into the game to justify the annual prize money increases, which definitely doesn’t resemble a ponzi scheme, I can now proudly reveal that from next season onwards Division One will be known as:
That’s right, Formula One’s historic tyre manufacturer is branching out into other sports and have partnered with us at ESMS to increase their brand visibility. They have this to say:
Formula One’s premier tyre manufacturers are delighted to be associated with ESMS’ premier division. Our headline sponsorship of Division One will serve as the perfect opportunity to increase our marketing profile, given the huge branding visibility that accompanies the high prevalence of Formula One cars, Formula One wheels and Formula One cars removed of their Formula One wheels that appear on a regular basis within the game. We expect sales to soar in this key demographic following this targeted and strategic partnership.
Andy’s Season Four review of Division Two and the POWF Plate will follow…