Season seven half term report: Division Two

In many ways, Division Two is like Communist Russia. Compared to Division One, where only four teams have won a game, eight of the ten Division Two have a victory under their belt after three games. Four teams even have a win, loss and draw apiece. Goal differences rarely skew in one team’s favour. In this division, everything is shared.

This could be because this season is probably the most competitive Division Two season to date. Six of the ten current Division Two teams have previous Division One experience, two teams have that renegade maverick quality of being run by new managers, one team is being managed by last year’s Division One champion and the remaining team is having one of its best ever starts to a season. Let’s see who’s best positioned to claim half of Berlin by the end of the campaign.

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall”

Nelson Mandela

Leading the pack are Arsene’s Special Schemers. Famously on a long-term project to nurture some youth prospects, does being first in the league represent a huge success or massive failure on the part of ASS? Are they being lured by the bright lights of Division One and can’t stop themselves from winning, even if promotion does represent another year of maybe not getting as many abs as they did last year? Round three’s stalemate with Aguerissimo is the first time they failed to claim all three points.

“Success is not final; failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”

Winston Churchill

Galacticos FC and Victorious Secrets are in close pursuit and either could find themselves top of the table by Thursday morning. Round two’s clash between these teams is looking extremely important, with the points shared thanks to an 86th minute Daryl Murphy goal. With the biggest squad in the history of the world, ever, Galacticos are all over this squad rotation game. Approximately one billion midfielders have been deployed by GAL in the first three games of the season and have an almost totally clean bill of health going into the next round, with only G_Zambrotta at 96% of fitness. Nothing a Lucozade can’t fix.

Many teams have links to powerful business interests. PSV Eindhoven are owned by the Dutch Phillips corporation and carry their logo on their shirts. In Germany, Bayer Leverkusen are bankrolled by and named after, the Bayer pharmaceutical conglomerate. The decision by the provocative underwear retailer that owns and controls Victorious Secrets FC to insist on official company merchandise as kits did raise a few eyebrows when announced and now could be having a detrimental effect on the pitch. The Victorious Secrets have only earned points after going behind in all three of their games so far this year. Does his say something about the impressive stamina of their team, or given that their form has coincided with the weather turning cold, does this mean that the lads only get going after they have warmed up?

“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”

Christina Aguilera

In fourth place, Aguerissimo FC are the first of the teams embodying the sharing is caring attitude. All teams in positions 4-7 inclusive have one win, one draw and one defeat, yet AGU are the only team to do it with a positive goal difference and against three tough teams. R_Lukaku has taken up residency at the top of the Division’s goalscoring charts by averaging a goal a game this season, but annoyingly for him has to share this position with KFC’s M_Megabox and TOT’s C_Fondue, which, lest we forget, are a fast-food product and a type of cheese.

Since we sent robots to Mars before sending humans, isn’t it possible that the first extraterrestrials that we encounter on earth could not be the aliens themselves, but might be their technology instead?

Former Cardiff City striker Robert Earnshaw

Kay FC are another team on a youth reset. Having stated they are avoiding promotion and rebuilding in Division Two for a few seasons, they’re presumably still licking their wounds after their decision to experiment with a 433A tactic for the second to last game of the season put automatic promotion out of their reach in the last game. Devastating. They have a hugely impressive first 11 for Division Two and with games against VIC, TOT and FAC out of the way, this could be the year for KFC to launch an assault on the title.

“If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough.”

Oprah Winfrey

Ferly’s Burlys are winning the second half of the table and winning life thanks to a mean defence. Rumours are swirling that Simon has eyed Monday’s auction to whip out the credit card and strengthen his team, the big question is where. FER may have only conceded two goals but they’ve only scored two goals, should the focus be on midfield and generating shots, or up front and sticking them in the back of the net?

I’m thinking of buying a monkey. Then I think, ‘Why stop at one?’ I don’t like being limited in that way. Therefore, I’m considering a platoon of monkeys. So that people will look at me and see how mellow and well-adjusted I am compared to these monkeys throwing feces around.”

Robert Downey Jr.

The final team on four points, in seventh place, is Farsley Celtic. Seventh place at the moment isn’t a bad seventh place, they’re only one point off of third, but what wouldn’t have escaped the manager’s attention is that after three games FAC currently have one goal scored.

Of equal concern is the fact that their sole league goalscorer, T_Yeboah, has seen the success go to his head and was reportedly heard kicking on the manager’s door screaming about a new contract. Prior to this, Yeboah was last seen being carried through the streets of Farsley by infatuated locals, who in accordance with the prophecy have declared him the new messiah; the man who has the power to bring the magical elusive artefact of ‘goals’ to the village. Yeboah will need the pay rise to afford the council tax on the new mountain-top palace that has been constructed for him by his followers and to pay his retinue of grape-feeders and palm-wavers he has now acquired. I should stop drinking coffee.

“The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.”

Sylvester Stallone

In eighth place it’s as case of crouching Totteridge very well hidden tigers, although Totteridge Tigers are bringing the entertainment this season. The league’s top scorers with six goals are also unfortunately the league’s leakiest defence with seven conceded. A lot will depend on C_Fondue (Cliff? Clive? Cassius?) continuing to bring the goals, although P_Aneer (Pocahontas?) is alongside him with two. Round four’s match up of TOT vs FAC will see one of these two pull away from their false positions – the stakes are high. As is Yeboah on the peyote and licking frogs he’s been gifted by his worshippers.

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Charlie Sheen

Border Wanderers have had a tough opening few fixtures against last year’s Division One champion and the current league leaders. The biggest problem for BOW is scoring goals; they haven’t. Crucially they have also only conceded one goal, a very impressive record over three games, but reinforcements are surely needed in midfield to pump the ball towards Mbappe and Neymar. If only there was a diminutive Argentinian attacker in the game who could be lured to Paris?

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

Brooke Shield

Finally, but certainly not permanently, we find CA Buenos Aires 10th in Division Two. Let’s not look to the past, let’s look to the beautiful, rosy future. The rebuilding has started in earnest and the jewel in the crown has recently been put up for sale, with S_Campbell a player to grace any Division One winning team. The fact that he hasn’t been snapped up yet is baffling – are managers waiting for the outcome of Monday’s auction? The pressure is off this season, this is a season of rebuilding, reconstruction and nurture. And of binning S_Campbell for a huge amount of money.

But of course, with the auction on Monday night, everything could be turned on it’s head…


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