Season four review: Division Two and POWF Plate

Division Two

BANG! The year is 2021, the season was four and the managers of CTH, CLC, AGU, ASS, IVO and HAH have to had come to terms with a season in Division 2… For the first time in ESMS history, there was a second-tier…

What would our intrepid managers do? Would they curl up into a ball and admit defeat? Would they rise to the occasion and take the bull by the horns and force a move to Division 1? Would they not give a monkeys and just send a team sheet in twice a week??? Your guess is as good as mine!

The answer to the questions above is clear… They GAVE a monkeys! They took the bull by the horns and they didn’t simply send in team sheets twice a week! To say Division 2 was a hard-fought affair is an understatement! New boys W92 and ARA came in with a renewed vigor and enthusiasm that put some to shame *cough* ASS and CLC *cough*.

AGU started the season on a high with two wins from their two games, scoring six and conceding just one, channeling their manager’s beloved Inter Milan. They set the early pace alongside IVO who managed to be cheesy on the eyes with back to back wins (Cheese joke number 1).

A few games later we saw the resurgence of HAH, they were winning games having finally got rid of A_Cole, the season 4 miss merchant. Going joint top after 5 games with AGU was fantastic for Jordan and the boys. New lads W92 were staking a real claim for first season promotion after some astute transfer business and great work from the boss in the tactics truck, just a point off the top two after 5 games was very impressive. Meanwhile, the creator and ESMS Godfather, Mike, and his beleaguered CSKA Tulse Hill side were floundering at the bottom two points adrift… Who knew this would happen after activating a new squad at the start of the season?

It would be all change after this!! A few wayward results for the egg chasers of CLC, they began a plummet down the league! Even Johnny Wilkinson with a last-minute drop goal couldn’t stop this rot! Who could forget the ASS boys and their fall from grace with some punishing results for their youthful squad. This left them after 9 games falling far adrift! The league’s real story was coming from Saaaaaf London with CSKA Tulse Hill out of nowhere gaining some real momentum and more importantly GOALS! A huge 3-0 win in the “Old Farm” derby against everyone’s favourite cheese board (Second cheese joke) IVO meant they had, as if by magic, re-ignited their season!

The home straight saw AGU press home an advantage amongst rumours of match-fixing and referees getting beautiful mink fur coats (all speculation… At least that is what they told me to say).

AGU were being chased down by HAH, IVO and new boys W92. Could they stop the AGU *cough* Mafia *cough* from winning??? 

Meanwhile, league new boys ARA were quietly performing well, consistently holding the playoff places and getting big wins when needed. So much so that going into the penultimate game of the season they were two points off 2nd place! Never have a team from Essex felt this level of pressure!

Spare a thought though, for the league’s strongest team (They were holding everyone else up in the table! – shit joke hahaha) rooted to the foot of the table with only thoughts of next season ahead, CLC were desperate for points. 

The final day of the season saw the Mafia, I mean, AGU win the Division 2 title, after a bore draw with HAH who had been desperate for a win! A huge run of amazing results meant W92 claimed second place and their manager’s spreadsheets showed us all how important a moneyball approach can be! 

We were left with HAH vs CTH and IVO vs ARA for the playoffs… CTH did the unthinkable and got the win! The people’s second team got the win! IVO also let it brie (third cheese based joke) with a massive win to go up!

Fantastic season for all teams but AGU and W92 really showed their prowess and will worry all Division 1 teams for next season.


The premier cup competition in ESMS took place again this year, naturally. We saw last season’s winners DIC go out in round 1 against IVO. We saw ASS lose again and keep up their record of never winning a cup game. We also saw a fantastic result for CTH against their old foe’s IVO.

The cup controversy came this year when “Commissioner” Will’s THS won a game via a penalty with a player on the BENCH! Madness! On the other side of the draw, CTH beat CLA by a goal to nil.


We saw the people’s team CTH against the bottle jobs of ESMS; THS. CTH went into the game without 3 first-team midfielders. The game looked like a done deal for THS, the far superior team (pardon the pun) BUT…. Yes… Hell froze over… CTH with a 49th-minute goal won the game! The people went mental. We all celebrated! What a season for CTH! 


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