Season five: Pre-season transfer round up, so far…

In 2013, message board member Emma:-) asked her fellow message board participants how they would spent £100m. The answers ranged from the sensible…

  • Would get my family members nice houses and get a house for myself; maybe move to a different country. I’d put some away for my education and travel. I’d most likely put at least a few million into a saving account. (Cuppa, Exalted and Worshipped Member, posts: 1060)

… to the nihilistic…

  • Buy gold for all money. When a crisis hits, I will have precious stuff to buy things with, not the devalued pieces of paper :] (Valentas, Exalted and Worshipped Member, posts: 899)

… to the fucking boring…

  • Would keep it in a bank and save it. Money changes people. And I am quite content with my life at the moment.

    I apologise for sharing non-materialistic views. Dont care if I lose all my reputation for this post; it’s a sad world we live in, where money is the underlining fixation in our hearts, and family values are completely ignored in pursuit of materialistic gain. (Paul-Ings, Respected Member, posts: 176)

… to the bad at maths…

  • 1 million pound – Pay George from Union J to have sex with me ( haters gon’ hate)
    10 million pounds – Create and establish my own label
    10 million pounds – House

    Then I’d buy properties and rent them out etc (Miracle Day, TSR God, posts: 9171)

… to my kind of people…

  • boats and hoes of course. (Denacio, Adored and Respected Member, posts: 492)
  • If I had £100 million, all my kit kats from now on would be wrapped in 24 carat gold foil, not that cheap tin stuff. (NuckingFut, Adored and Respected Member, posts: 586)
  • I would use it to buy a pet dinosaur (bssjonny, Peer of the TSR Realm, posts: 1426)
  • Invest in a cloning machine and clone lots of hot women and sell them for lots of money o.O (Namige, Peer of the TSR Realm, posts: 1735)

So my question to you is: What would you do with £600,500,000?

£600.5m is the amount that has been spent since so far by ESMS managers since the end of last season, approximately two weeks ago. As the world lurches from pandemic-related crisis to crisis, national health services across the world desperately cry out for funding and gross national debts spiral out of control, we are busy spunking our fake money on fake footballers.

Perhaps this question is best answered by Dulwich Isolation Club manager Andy, who has spent a whopping £191.5m on players to improve his squad in the last two weeks (although it should be noted that he has also recouped £43m to make it shitter).

In through the DIC door(?) is F_Asprila, a player who was signed for £55m and has a top rating of 10 and a stamina of 10 meaning either Andy was drunk when he bought him, Will/Yulong were drunk when they updated the site or all three possibilities collided at the same time in the perfect Higgs Bosun of a player transfer.

In terms of players who will actually make it onto the pitch, £35m of the DIC money was spent on securing the services of CSKA Tulse Hill’s J_Clapham and M_Jeapes, meaning they now have a serviceable journeyman at left-back and up front they have one of the most devastatingly handsome lines of text file in the game.

As a butterfly flaps it’s wings in the jungle, a man in East Dulwich will send £35m to Tulse Hill and, in turn, a man in Tulse Hill will invest £35m and more into the youth academy system. CSKA Tulse Hill did the deed and produced two defenders and one forward. At centre half, welcome to the game… K_Beattie! Promptly dispatched for Arsene’s Special Schemers on loan for a season’s tutelage at the very best. At full back, welcome to the game… T_Mings! (He used to play full back for Ipswich.) And up front for CSKA Tulse Hill, welcome to the game…

W_Watkins ENG!

You can picture it now. It’s the last day of the season, Tulse Hill Superior (managed by Mr W. Watkins Esq.) are away at CSKA Tulse Hill and need just a point to clinch the title. It’s 1-1 going in to the final minute when CSKA have a chance to score! Up steps W_Watkins… Surely W_Watkins won’t be the player to deny Tulse Hill Superior their first title?!!!

Much like a South American cartel looking to ensure its product reaches Miami, a number of people have been taking advantage of the youth system. Alongside CSKA Tulse Hill; Dulwich Isolation Crew and Archway Athletic have donated their money into the tier one youth investment and pulled out some gems, although I can only assume Aguerissimo donated their money to the Make a Wish Foundation as they managed to promote a 17 and 16 rater. Amazingly, despite Wilko’s 92 All Stars seemingly donating their money to Childline they managed to pull two 18 rated players out of the flaming bin fire that is Tier 3 of the academy system.

In the world of high profile player moves, Tulse Hill Superior (this name is now factually incorrect after last season’s cup final) splurged £50m on P_Maldini. A man who, at the age of 33, is soon to die. Opulent Knack plundered the Clapton Crusaders for M_Catt in return for R_Firmino, H_Berg and 35 million big ones. Ivor’s Army sent a quarter of a million in used bank notes and I_h8_babybell – a footballer who isn’t a footballer, isn’t even a cheese but is instead a declaration of taste – down the road to Archway, who promptly trousered the money and dispatched a soon to be 19 rated left midfielder in the other direction.

If there’s one thing I want you to take from this article, it’s that deals have been happening. Many deals. Managers have been trading and players have been swapping. 43 footballers find themselves at a new club since the end of season four and the start of season five is still a week away. Of the £600.5m that has been spent, £50m was on that dubiously administered auction for P_Maldini that was won by the auctioneer, a cheeky £2m was on a player picked up from the free transfer list by ASS and £273m was spent on the youth scheme, which means that at £275.5m the majority of money has been spent on player trading between managers. Money is changing hands, you need to keep up!

I’ve uploaded a spreadsheet I put together of the current close season deals here – be sure to check both tabs.

You can see a full list of all transfers on the transfer history page, which also contains a link to view the full size file.

With a week left until the first league game of the season there’s still plenty of time to strike a deal and get your team ready for the big kick off. There must be a few clubs out there with big bank balances burning a hole in their pockets. How will you improve your squad?


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