The mother of all transfer round-ups

Messi, earlier today, in more clothes than just his pants.

Where to begin?

Around 700 B.C., the Lydians became the first Western culture to make coins. Other countries and civilizations soon began to mint their own coins with specific values. Using coins with set values made it easier to compare values and trade money for goods and services.

Eventually, societies moved away from using precious metals to make money. Known as representative money, the new paper bills and coins made of non-precious metals represented certain values that everyone in those societies could agree upon. Governments or banks would promise to exchange representative money for a specific amount of silver or gold.

We have now reached a natural conclusion. We have arrived at the endgame of money. Since 700 BC we have been journeying to this point and it feels so good to have reached it. We have completed money.

Yes, capitalism is bad. Yes, consumerism and materialism will eventually lead to the destruction of the planet through climate change and natural disaster. Greed is not always good. But let’s just pause for a minute and admit to ourselves that… doesn’t it feel good to spend £238,000,000? Doesn’t even just a little bit of you enjoying humping a shit ton of cash on something?

Because last night, vicariously through Dave, I feel that we all spent £238,000,00 with him. For him.

Let’s take it back to the concrete streets, original beats with real live MC’s. Or more accurately; let’s take it back to last Thursday.

On Thursday, Dave, manager of Clapton Crusaders, finalised a deal agreed earlier in the season that saw him complete the purchase of the Clapped Out FC’s draft pick for £1 and thus gained C_Alberto for 100 pennies:

C_Alberto     26 bra  RC  4 19  9  2 61 71 300 700 300 300   0   0   0   0   0   0   0   0   0   0 100 

Dave then moved quickly to offload C_Alberto to Dulwich Isolation Crew for £70m, which when the 20% seller’s bonus is factored in makes a mark up of £83,999,999.

In a separate deal, Clapton Crusaders also sent party boy Ronaldinho skidding down the Upper Clapton Road towards the Emirates Stadium on the seat of his pants in exchange for a sports bag stuffed with £45m big ones from Arsene’s Special Schemers, which swelled to £54m after the sweet, sweet 20% seller’s bonus. I make that a profit of £138m in a day, rounding fans, to supplement the existing war chest.

Clapton Crusaders arrived at last night’s auction, and indeed left it, very much meaning business.

You think this is the only eye watering transfer to take place in the last few days? You think wrong. In a completely separate piece of business, Merstham Magic have wrestled Scottish Euro ’96 penalty bottlejob G_McAllister from Wilko’s ’92 All Stars for the princely sum of £60m, or £72m for W92 after they trousered their extra 20%. They have since invested £150m in their ‘Golden Generation’ Tier 1 youth picks. Division One is hotting up.

Not only this, fans of unemployment can rejoice as 14 players have been dumped on the dole after the recent announcement of free transfer values increasing, with approximately 10 more on the verge of being confirmed in the coming days.

But let’s get back to the serious business, because tonight we have witnessed history. Tonight we have had a live auction like no other.

The previous world transfer fee, also set by noted oniomaniac (the addiction to spending money, yes I did just Google that) Dave, stood at £75m. Many people predicted it would fall tonight given the quality of the player on offer. Some thought it would double. It was definitely possible, but not many thought it would treble.

It did.

Fuck me.

What just happened?

L_Messi is now a Clapton Crusaders player, that’s what just happened.

Will that ever be beaten? (A: Yes, probably by Dave.)

The World Anti-Doping Agency, numerous independent experts and Hans Blix are currently en route to the manager’s office at Clapton Crusader’s training ground with breathalysers and other various equipment to verify and ratify the deal, but it’s highly likely that it will stand. L_Messi will then become one of the ten 20 rated players currently plying their trade in Clapton’s team ready to devastate Division Two next season as the star of the team.

Well played Sir, give yourself a pat on the back.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.