Season 5 (almost) end of season review

It’s happened.

It’s finally happened.

Man walking on the moon. Mapping the Mariana Trench. Drawing the Americans into World War II. Discovering a safe passage to the East Indies.

Will winning a trophy.

Some things may take a while, quite a long while, but when they do happen they taste all the more sweeter.

Division One

A huge amount of credit must go to the Division One champions. Slow and steady wins the race, and Tulse Hill Superior were in the running for the entirety of the season, falling no lower than third after they relinquished top spot after the first round to nip back on top on the very last day. Consistency was key. The Round 15 victory over Dulwich Isolation Club where they bravely switched to D upon going 1-0 up after 3 minutes to see out the win will be surely seen as a turning point in the title race.

Opulent Knack and Dulwich Isolation Club had their moments to seal the title, most notably OPK battering DIC on the final day of the season to go 3-0 up after 75 minutes then failing to realise a 4 goal swing would win them the title on goals scored and slammed the handbrake on by switching to D. Facepalm dot gif.

But this season will be remembered for the victory lap of Tulse Hill Superior, who now join the Hall of Famers and will spend the off-season basking in their glory, and demanding that everyone else basks in their glory, before beginning the scheming ahead of Season 6.

Elsewhere, Hackbridge Harriers and CSKA Tulse Hill (quelle surprise) faced the ignominy of an immediate relegation back to Division Two. Indeed HAH face the very real threat of extinction after their financial (and mental) backers withdrew their ownership of the club. A new owner will need to be found before the start of next season for the club to ensure it’s survival. CSKA Tulse Hill were just fucking shit.

Despite finishing third, Dulwich Isolation Club will join Wilko’s ’92 All Stars, Kay FC and Aguerissimo in tomorrow’s play offs to ensure survival and avoid relegation to Division Two, after Ivor’s Army relegated themselves from the entire game.

Division Two

In Division Two, the story was of two debut managers. In top spot, Archway Athletic stormed the league to clinch both promotion and the title with a few games spare. They will also be joined in Division One next season by Victorious Secrets.

Archway manager Adam pulled off a fantastic coup in squeezing every single drop of talent from his team that performed far greater than the sum of his parts, indeed the biggest performer in this team was the manager. All eyes will be on the ARA boss to see how he strengthens in the close season, with perhaps a couple more eyes on the jiffy bags that have recently been delivered cycled over to the Team HQ and the contents of his fridge.

League top scorers Victorious Secrets strutted their way to the second automatic promotion spot with a fabulous maiden season. Their design department reacted with joy and have immediately begun work taking George Weah and Andriy Shevchenko’s inner leg measurements and planning next season’s home, away, third, fourth and fifth kits. If Aguerissimo stay in Division One we will have the Derby della Madonnina to savour, as Inter take on AC Milan.

Just missing out on the top two are Galacticos, however they are well positioned going in to the play offs as the clear favourites. The first season of Arsene’s Special Schemers special scheme to build and groom a team of youngster is taking shape, as they’ll have nine players either 20+ rated or less than 500 abs short, and will surely be a force to be reckoned with.

Merstham Magic, Clapped Out, Ferley’s Burlys and Clapton Crusaders will be studying the form guides and working out how they can exploit the marginal gains to climb the table next season, aided by some healthy picks from this season’s draft.

POWF Plate

Count yourself lucky to be alive at this time. We have two of the greatest players ever to have played the game one onf of the greatest teams. In La Liga, for the past decade Leo Messi has been breaking and setting new records on a weekly basis. Across Europe, Cristiano Ronaldo has been rewriting the history books with increasing regularity. And throughout the past five seasons, Kay FC have amounted an incredible amount of trophies.

In the five seasons that this game has been running, here has only been one season where Kay FC haven’t finished with a trophy. How do you stop a team like that? Victorious Secrets didn’t have the answer in the final of this season’s POWF Plate, although they’ll be delighted with another fantastic performance in their first season.

Kay FC finished the worthy winners and claimed another trophy. Perhaps the only disappointment is that the silverware is a plate and not a bucket.

The Text File Novice Vase

Another team forging a legacy is the Dulwich Isolation Club, who became the first team to retain a trophy by winning the Second Cup for two seasons running. Wilko’s ’92 All Stars ran them close in the final, and will be happy to get to their first major final, but, like most weekday evenings in the Dulwich area, the night belonged to DIC.

The play-offs

At the time of writing the play-offs have yet to take place, but we’ll surely see some upsets as two teams from the following will be relegated to Division Two…

  • Dulwich Isolation Club vs Aguerissimo FC
  • Wilko’s ’92 All Stars vs Kay FC

… and two teams from the following will be promoted to Division One…

  • Galacticos vs Clapped Out FC
  • Arsene’s Special Schemes vs Merstham Magic

Good luck!


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